Английский разговорный шутя. 100 анекдотов на все случаи жизни Миловидов Виктор

Section 39

Grandpa and granddaughter

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, «Did God make you, Grandpa?»

«Yes, God made me,» the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, «Did God make me too?»

«Yes, He did,» the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up. «You know, Grandpa,» she said, «God's doing a lot better job lately.»

Words and Expressions:

God Бог

reflection отражение

lately последнее время

Section 40

Gift from god

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

"Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00."

Words and Expressions:

to request просить, требовать

postal почтовый

authorities власти

to receive получать

President президент

to touch трогать (тж. перен.)

to amuse забавлять

to instruct инструктировать, делать распоряжения

however тем не менее, вместе с тем

Washington D.C. адрес почтового округа «Вашингтон, округ Колумбия»

bastard ублюдок

to deduct фин. вычитать

to want sth badly сильно хотеть чего-л.

to appear to be казаться

to be delighted быть обрадованным

a thank you note разг. письмо с благодарностью

for some reason по той или иной причине

as usual разг. как обычно

Section 41

Learning to swear

A seven-year-old and his four-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The seven-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them learn to swear. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the seven-year-old says, "When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass' ". The four-year-old happily agrees.

As the boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The seven-year-old replies, «Aw hell, mom, I'll just have some cornflakes.»

WHACK!

The seven-year-old runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.

With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son,

«And what would YOU like for breakfast?»

«I don't know!» the four-year-old blubbers. «But you can bet your ass it's not gonna be cornflakes!»

Words and Expressions:

to swear ругаться

enthusiastically с энтузиазмом

hell ад; черт!

cornflakes кукурузные хлопья

WHACK! Бац!

to bawl громко вопить

to rub потирать

behind разг. зад

to blubber реветь

to bet биться об заклад, ставить на кон

Section 42

Career day at school

It's career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parents would do if they were here today.

Little Rodney stands up and says," My father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T-A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook."

«Good Rodney,» says the teacher. «How about you, Johnny?»

Johnny stands up and stammers, "My father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no, E-L-E-C-K-T no … L-E-C-H-

no… "

The teacher interrupts, «Never mind, Johnny, sit down. How about you, Vinnie?»

Vinnie stands up and says, «My dad's a bookie, that's B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he'd give you ten to one odds that there's no way Johnny's ever gonna spell electrician!»

Words and Expressions:

career карьера, профессия

to state утверждать, заявлять

occupation род занятий

to spell произносить по буквам

accountant бухгалтер

to balance фин. сводить счеты, выводить баланс

checkbook чековая книжка

to stammer заикаться, лепетать

electrician электрик

bookie разг.bookmaker букмейкер

odds разница, преимущество

he'd give you ten to one odds он даст вам десять против одного

Section 43

Better grades

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades… somebody is going to get a spanking… "

Words and Expressions:

to tap похлопать (по плечу)

shoulder плечо

to scare пугать

grade оценка, отметка

to spank шлепать

to get a spanking получить нахлобучку, шлепки

Section 44

Circumcised

Two five-year-old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says, «Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!»

«Well, I've been circumcised,» answered the other one. «Huh, what's that mean?» asked the first boy. «It means they cut the skin off the end,» said the second one. The first boy was very puzzled, «How old were you when it was cut off?»

The second boy replied, «My Mom said I was only two days old.»

«Wow, did it hurt?» the first boy wondered. The second boy responded without hesitation, «You bet it hurt… I couldn't walk for a year!»

Words and Expressions:

to circumcise мед. обрезать

potty сленг туалет, обычно детский

to pee разг. писать

skin кожа

hurt болеть, ранить, причинять боль

You bet it hurt… Бьюсь об заклад, болело…

Section 45

Of little johnny

I. Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir.

Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.

II. Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

Little Johnny: No, I'm little Johnny.

III. Teacher: Little Johnny, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

Little Johnny: I get up early.

IV. Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Little Johnny: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

V. Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.

Little Johnny: I hope you didn't either.

VI. Little Johnny: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.

Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

VII. Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Little Johnny: One dollar.

Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.

Little Johnny (sadly): You don't know my father.

Words and Expressions:

Johnny американский аналог русского Вовочки

to behave вести себя

to punish наказывать

since так как

to chew жевать

gum резина, каучук, резинка

chewing gum жевательная резинка

stupid глупый

to deserve заслуживать

zero ноль; низшая оценка

mark оценка, отметка

arithmetic арифметика

to break a promise нарушать обещание

to keep a promise сдержать обещание

Section 46

Naming the baby

The proud young mother was discussing with her husband what they should call the new baby. «I've made up my mind,» she declared firmly, «we'll call her Penelope.» The husband didn't like the name at all, but he decided to be subtle about it.

«That's a lovely name, dear,» he said. «The first girl I ever went out with was called Penelope and it will bring back pleasant memories.»

«I think we'll call her Mary, after my mother,» said the wife.

Words and Expressions:

subtle мягкий, вкрадчивый

lovely милый

pleasant приятный

memories воспоминания

to make up one's mind решать

to be subtle about sth не высказываться резко о чем-л.

to go out with ходить на свидание с (кем-л.)

to call sb after sb называть кого-л. в чью-л. честь

Section 47

Twins

Once there were two twins at the age of eight who were completely opposite, one always had a good attitude and a positive outlook on life, the other was always negative and found something to whine about in everything.

When Christmas was around the corner that year their parents decided to try and balance out the brothers' attitudes. For the negative son they bought a brand new bike. For the possitive son they went out to a farm and filled a box full of horse crap.

Christmas came and the parents watched their reactions. The negative son opened his gift first, finding the new bike. Immediately he began to complain, «It's too cold out to ride a bike, I don't even know how to ride one, I hate this gift!»

Just then the possitive son started to open his gift. With his parents watching, he pulled back the flaps on the box and peered in at its contents. He stood silent for a moment and then shouted excitedly, "There's gotta be a horse around Here somewhere!!!"

Words and Expressions:

once однажды

twins близнецы

completely полностью

opposite противоположный

attitude отношение (к жизни), взгляд (на жизнь)

positive позитивный, оптимистичный

outlook мировоззрение

negative негативный, пессимистичный

to whine скулить, хныкать

around the corner за углом, на подходе

a brand new bike новехонький, с иголочки велосипед

horse crap лошадиный навоз

gift подарок

to complain жаловаться

to hate ненавидеть

flaps (у коробки) створки крышки

to peer заглядывать

contents содержимое, содержание

excited возбужденный

there's gotta be a horse around разг.there has got to be a horse

around здесь поблизости где-то должна быть лошадь

Section 48

Glass of water

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

"Da-ad… " «What?»

«I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?» «No. You had your chance. Lights out!» Five minutes later: