Английский разговорный шутя. 100 анекдотов на все случаи жизни Миловидов Виктор
3. Он получает удар сковородой.
4. Его лучший друг печально качает головой.
5. Так вот как это делаю я.
6. Я гоню Харлея прямо на крыльцо.
7. Я с грохотом открываю дверь и кричу.
8. Моя жена всегда спит.
Грамотная английская речь, как и речь русская, подчиняется огромному количеству правил, в том числе и правил стилистических. Избегая нарушения этих правил, мы говорим правильно. Вместе с тем в разговорной речи встречается огромное количество нарушений стилистической нормы.
Так, следующие предложения содержат одну и ту же конструкцию – причастный оборот, относящийся к подлежащему. Но в первом случае этот оборот использован правильно, во втором – с нарушениями.
1. Trying to avoid the little woman, he parks a block away from his home…
2. Telling the story to a friend the next day at the local watering hole, his best friend sadly shakes his head…
Найдите, в чем состоит нарушение правила (при затруднениях обратитесь к грамматическому комментарию; раздел 18).
6. Transform the sentenses according to the rules when necessary:
1. Having got drunk, the guy came home real late.
2. Trying to avoid the little woman, his car is left a block away from his home.
3. Walking up the stairs, he tries his best not to make a noise.
4. Opening quietly the door and tiptoeing into the room, his wife hits him by a frying pan.
5. Telling the story to a friend the next day at the local watering hole, his best friend sadly shakes his head.
6. Taking the Harley rat up on the porch, I start screamin' and a cussin'.
7. Slamming open the door and screamin', his wife is always asleep.
7. Find English equivalents to the Russian words in the scanword:
1. (а…) избегать, 2. (t…) идти на цыпочках, 3. (b…) брать взаймы, 4. (1… ) местный, 5. (m… ) беспорядок, 6. (е… ) выставка, 7. (е… ) возбуждение, 8. (f… ) парень, 9. (а… ) обезьяна, 10. (s… ) без рукавов.
8. Render the joke.
Section 16
Control of your wife
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they had over their wives, while the third remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said, «Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?»
The third fellow says, «I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.»
The first two guys were amazed. «Wow! What happened then?» they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!' "
Study the words and expressions given below:
control контроль, власть
pub паб, пивная
amount объем, величина
to remain оставаться
swallow глоток (пива, воды, вина)
healthy swallow большой глоток
beer пиво
to sigh вздыхать
to utter произносить
to fight сражаться, драться
Get out! Убирайся! Вылезай!
after a while через некоторое время
what sort of? какого типа? какого вида?
the other night на днях вечером
1. Answer the questions to the text:
1. How many guys were there in the pub?
2. What did they drink there?
3. What were two of them talking about?
4. What question was the third guy asked?
5. In what way had the third guy's wife come to him one of the nights?
6. What did she say to her husband?
2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:
1. Two of the guys are talking about the _______ of control they had over their wives.
2. The third guy _______ quiet.
3. After a _______ one of the first two guys turned to the third one.
4. What _______ of control do you have over your wife?
5. Just the _______ night my wife came to me.
6. The first two guys were _______ .
7. The third man took a healthy _______ of his beer.
3. Match the two parts of the sentences:
4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:
2. Какого размера власть ты имеешь над своей женой?
3. Третий парень хранил молчание.
4. Через некоторое время один из первых двоих повернулся к третьему.
5. Ну, а как насчет тебя?
6. Как раз на днях вечером моя жена приползла ко мне на четвереньках.
7. Что случилось потом?
«Get out from under the bed!» — приказала жена третьему из парней, сидящих в баре. Слово get может использоваться и в других словосочетаниях, проявляя поразительную многозначность. Проверьте свое языковое чутье в отношении этого слова. При необходимости используйте грамматический комментарий (раздел 19).
6.Read the text one more time and substitute the word «to get» for any verb that seems to have about the same meaning.
7.Render the joke.
Section 17
Prospective church members
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor said, «We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.»
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, «Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?»
The old man replied, «No problem at all, Pastor.»
«Congratulations! Welcome to the church!» said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, «Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?»
The man replied, «The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but… yes we made it.»
«Congratulations! Welcome to the church!» said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, «Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?»
«No, Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,» the young man replied sadly.
«What happened?» inquired the pastor.
«My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.»
«You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,» stated the pastor.
«We know,» said the young man, «we're not welcome at the local supermarket anymore either.»
Study the words and expressions given below:
elderly пожилой, стареющий
to join вступить (куда-л.), присоединиться
pastor священник, пастор
requirements требования (от to requireтребовать)
parishioner прихожанин (от parishприход)
to abstain воздерживаться
to reply отвечать
couch кушетка
to reach (for) дотягиваться (до чего-л.)
can банка
corn кукуруза
top верх; верхний
to bend (over) наклоняться (над чем-л.)
lust сильное желание
advantage преимущество
to state утверждать
to join a church вступить в церковь
to be able быть способным, мочь
No problem at all! Никаких проблем!
to go without sex обходиться без секса
Congratulations! Поздравления!
Welcome! Добро пожаловать!
to be welcome быть желаемым, желанным (где-л.)
to pick sth up поднимать что-л.
to be overcome with sth быть охваченным (чем-л.)
to take advantage of her воспользоваться удобным моментом
right there прямо там
1. Answer the questions to the text:
1. How many couples wanted to join the church and how old were they?
2. What special requirements did the couples have to meet if they wanted to join the church?
3. Who did the pastor go to first when the couples returned after the two weeks' trial period?
4. Why was it easy for an elderly couple to be admitted to church?
5. How did the middle-aged husband cope with the problem?
6. What was wrong with the can of corn?
2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:
1. Two couples wanted _______ a church.
2. We have special _______ for new parishioners.
3. You must _______ from having sex.
4. No problem _______, Pastor.
5. _______ to the church!
6. I had to sleep on the couch for _______ of nights.
7. We were not _______ to go without sex.
8. My wife was _______ for a can of corn.
3. Say if the sentences are true or false:
1. Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join the army.
2. We have special requirements for new parishioners.
3. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.
4. The couples didn't agree and never came back.
5. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights.
6. I was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it.
7. We're not welcome at the local zoo anymore either.
4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:
5. Translate from Russian into English:
1. Три пары захотели вступить в церковь.
2. Мы предъявляем особые требования к нашим прихожанам.
3. Пары согласились и пришли назад через две недели.
4. Никаких проблем, пастор!
5. Поздравления! Добро пожаловать в церковь!
6. Первая неделя была не слишком тяжкой.
7. Я был вынужден спать на кушетке пару ночей.
8. Я был охвачен сильным желанием и воспользовался своим преимуществом над ней прямо там.
9. Нас также не хотят больше видеть и в местном супермаркете.
В предложениях You must abstain from having sex for two weeks; Were you able to abstain from sexfor the two weeks? I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but… используются так называемые модальные глаголы и их заменители (must, to be able, to have to).
Проверьте свои знания модальных глаголов; при необходимости используйте грамматический комментарий (раздел 20).
6.Translate from Russian into English using modal verbs and their substitutes:
1. Вы можете вступить в церковь.
2. Вы сможете вступить в церковь, если выполните особые требования.
3. Вы должны воздерживаться от секса в течение трех недель.
4. Мы не можем сделать этого.
5. Мы должны были прийти через три недели.
6. Мы не смогли сделать этого.
7. Я вынужден был спать на кушетке.
8. Мне не было необходимости спать на кушетке.
9. Можно мне вступить в вашу церковь без испытательного срока?
10. Мне позволили сделать это без испытательного срока.
11. Вам не следовало бы больше ходить в местный супермаркет.
7.Fill in the blanks with proper forms of the verbs:
1. It's a recommendation that you (to join) _______ a church.
2. It's necessary that we (to have) _______ special requirements for new parishioners.
3. He suggested that we (to abstain) _______ from having sex for two weeks.
4. He urged them (to come) _______ back at the end of two weeks.
5. He found it necessary (to sleep) _______ on the couch for a couple of nights.
8.Fill in the blanks with proper forms of the verbs:
1. I want you (to join) _______ a church.
2. He expected them (to abstain) _______ from having sex for two weeks.
3. The pastor saw the elderly couple (to enter) _______ the church.
4. He let them (to pass over) _______ to the altar.
5. This made him (to sleep) _______ on the couch for a couple of nights.
6. He watched the wife (to try) _______ to reach for a can of corn.
7. He saw her (to pick) _______ the can up.
8. This made him (to take) _______ advantage of her right there.
9. Render the joke.
Section 18
An elderly couple
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship. «How do you feel about sex?» he asked, rather hopefully.
«Oh, I like to have it infrequently,» she responded.
The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, «Was that one word or two?»
Study the words and expressions given below:
to decide решать
to embark пускаться (в плавание, в разговор и т.д.)
regarding относительно, касательно (от to regard считать)
finances финансы, финансовое состояние
arrangement организация (от to arrange устраивать, организовывать, оформлять)
to broach починать, открывать
subject предмет, вопрос
connubial супружеский, брачный
relationship отношение
hopefully с надеждой
infrequently нечасто (от frequently часто)
to respond отвечать
it was time to do sth время (пора) делать что-л.
living arrangements условия жизни
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