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MIKLE: Why do you ask?
ANNA: I’m just making conversation. People start talking about the weather and then go on to talking about their work. It’s important that you talk too.
MIKLE: She works at a store…..
ANNA: What does she think about your working nights?
MIKLE: She doesn’t like it…
ANNA: Why?
MIKLE: She’s afraid to be home alone at night. She asked me to find another job… Anyhow she has found how to get over her fear…
ANNA: How?
(Mikle’s head falls to steering wheel, asleep. Anna reaches for the wheel and punches him in the side)
MIKLE: Ah! Wha..?
ANNA: I asked what way?
MIKLE: Way?
ANNA: How did your wife cure her fear?
MIKLE: Oh, that… She starts work early. She goes to bed early and takes a sleeping pill… As long as I’m on night shift this has to be the solution.
ANNA; She is still home when you get there?
(Mikle’s head drops, but he catches himself).
MIKLE: She…she usually has left……
(Michael’s head drops again, but he catches himself)
ANNA: Michael! Try harder!!…Who gets dinner?
(Mikel’s head drops again, but he catches himself)
MIKLE: I… I usually get dinner….she talks on the phone
Pause
I don’t have to leave until 10 o’clock. (Beat) I think she wishes I would leave earlier.
ANNA: Don’t you at least have children to discuss?
MIKLE: No kids…
(Anna opens her pocket book. She takes out a sandwich, unwraps it and offers him a half)
ANNA: My lunch… You’re probably hungry. It’s left over from my frozen dinner last night…..Here… I haven’t touched it… eat at least a half…
(He waves the sandwich away)
You need to keep your jaws moving or you’ll fall asleep.
Pause
You practically never get to talk to your wife!
MIKLE: At least we have the weekend together…..
ANNA: And that’s enough time for you to get together for a bit of sex?
(Milk’s head falls to chest, but he catches it in time)
ANNA (Face hardening with resolve): You know… I liked it when my husband worked nights.
MIKLE (surprised): You didn’t mind being alone at night?
ANNA: I certainly wasn’t afraid.
MIKLE: Why so brave? The house creaks! Shadows at the windows!
ANNA: I had a love affair….
MIKLE (appraising glance at Anna): Oh…
ANNA: While my husband got ready for work, I went to bed. I had changed clothes but I was nicely dressed. I pulled the covers up to my chin and pretended to start to sleep.
MIKLE: Clothes on in bed? Why?
ANNA: I didn’t want to waste time… My husband only worked two nights a week. My boyfriend, Ted, and I were very much in love… Impatient.
MIKLE: And when your husband left?
ANNA: I hurried out to Ted. He parked outside, waiting for my husband to leave. We headed for his apartment…sometimes we didn’t manage to get to bed…on the floor… we…
MIKLE (now wide awake): On the floor fully clothed!
ANNA: Practically…and sometimes we would do it in the car.
MIKLE: In the front seat?
ANNA: No, not in the front, in the back.
MIKLE: Hard in the car?
ANNA: No… but on the floor is better!
MIKLE: And…..next?
ANNA: Oh! We straightened up….Ate dinner. Flowers….music, wine… candles…
MIKLE: Yes?
ANNA: And then (recalling) All night! I still think about that time. Hardly any sleep… I was very happy…my heart beats faster when ever I think about it.
MIKLE: Morning!. In the morning?
ANNA: We ate breakfast together. Coffee, the sun streaming in. Then he drove me right to the hospital…..
MIKLE: Suppose your husband had come home earlier from work?
ANNA: I would say that the head nurse had called me in early on an emergency… car didn’t start… took a taxi… It sometimes happens anyhow.
MIKLE: How long did this go on?
ANNA: About two years…
MIKLE (incredulously): And during those two years your husband never suspected?
ANNA: Mikle…I made…
Pause
It’s not important…
MIKLE: Why not important?
ANNA: I see you’re awake now!.
(Pause)
MIKLE: What time is it?
ANNA: Seven forty.
MIKLE: Hold on.
(Michael sits up straighter and steps on the gas)
ANNA (thrown back by the acceleration): Mikle! Mikle this is dangerous! I’ll get there on time. I don’t start till eight.
(Anna holding tight to the hand grab, is thrown from side to side as Michael negotiates some sharp curves)
ANNA: I’m afraid you’ll hit something…
MIKLE: Have to go faster…I’m afraid….
ANNA: That last light was red!
MIKLE: Huh huh…
ANNA (hanging on for dear life): Oh…oh I can’t!… Stop!
(Pause)
ANNA (continues) Mikle, I made it all up!… All…About husband…about affair… I have no husband…I’ve never been married.
MIKLE: Made up?
ANNA: Fantasies. They woke you!
MIKLE: Made up? Prove it!
ANNA: I was trying to keep you awake!… I’m sorry!
MIKLE: Made up?…Sorry!…
ANNA: I’ll swear on it… Just a good story.
MIKLE: Never sex on the floor and in the car?
ANNA: Never! Honest!
MIKLE: Hardly! You lied to your husband. You’re lying to me. Lies!
(Both are thrown back as the car accelerates more)
ANNA: Do I really look like a married woman? Look at me!
MIKLE (looking straight ahead): You really…don’t look…
ANNA: And what do I look like… in your opinion?
MIKLE: No one!
ANNA: That’s all?
MIKLE: Don’t know…maybe a prostitute…
ANNA (starts to whack Michael on the shoulder): You’re mean. Nasty! Stop! I want to get out!
MIKLE (jerking the wheel): Stop it! I hit the curb!
ANNA (opens the car window and shouts): Help! Police! Help!
MIKLE: Shut up! Shut the window!
ANNA: You asked me to wake you up…”Say something interesting”…
MIKLE (grimly): Best you had been quiet…
ANNA (car swerves, she shouts): If I had been quiet you would have had an accident… We both would be dead…
MIKLE: Be quiet!
ANNA: Why?
MIKLE: I need to concentrate… Why did you become this kind of woman?
ANNA: What kind of woman?
MIKLE: A liar! Maybe your husband was very kind to you? Did he give you a lot of freedom? Did he just talk with friends and not pay much attention to you?
ANNA: No husband, no boyfriend… Only my dreams…
MIKLE: I don’t care. I don’t believe you…
ANNA: If you don’t believe me you can ask at the hospital.
MIKLE (car slows): That’s my house. Yellow, on the right……
(Mikle’ turns his head and looks right for a bit)
MIKLE: Nope! Her car is gone. She’s left…
(Both jerk forward as the car stops. Then they sink
back again as the car accelerates forward.)
MIKLE: She left early… I’ll take you to the hospital.
(They ride in silence for a long time. Finally)
MIKLE: Which entrance is yours?
ANNA: There on the left!…I’m embarrassed! I’m sorry Mikle!
(Car swerves. Anna falls enough to touch Mikle)
MIKLE: Thanks for keeping me awake (beat)….Here you are…
ANNA (as she gets out): Thanks for the ride…I rather enjoyed part of it…
(Pause)
MIKLE I (confidently): Anyhow… I’ll pick you up tomorrow!
THE END
UNEXPECTED PROBLEM
CAST:
MIKE – a man of 65 years old
BOB – a friend of Mike, 70 years old.
(Mike, very excited, rushes into Bob’s place. It’s a late evening. Mike has come to share his problem with his friend)
BOB: Mike, what’s up? What’s happened?
MIKE: I’ve have a problem.
BOB: Well, I’m all ears…
MIKE: What’re you drinking? Pour it out for me, please.
BOB: It’s whisky. With water or neat?
MIKE: Neat.
BOB: To our friendship. (They click glasses and drink). I’m listening, keep to the point.
MIKE: My wife refuses to sleep with me.
BOB: Big deal! It’s not a problem at our age. Sleep alone.
MIKE: This is not the point. She refuses to have sex with me.
BOB: She is your lawful wife. She has no right. Insist.
MIKE: But, if she doesn’t want… I can’t rape her.
BOB: How does she explain her refusal?
MIKE: She liked it once, but not now. What l do?
BOB: Well.. May be you’ve hurt her?
MIKE: There was nothing of this kind. We didn’t argue.
BOB: You could’ve said something insulting.
MIKE: I said nothing.
BOB: Nothing while having sex?
MIKE: I usually do this in silence.
BOB: And what about her?
MIKE: She usually says something, but I don’t listen.
BOB: You’ve to listen and say something in return.
MIKE: What do I have to say?
BOB: For instance: how you do like it, how you love her, what beautiful boobs she has.
MIKE: Who’s taught you?
BOB: My own experience.
MIKE: As far as I know, you got divorced from your wife five years ago.
BOB: But my chicks… You don’t take them into consideration… Well, did you try anything to do?
MIKE: What should I do?
BOB: To persuade, to talk her into it…
MIKE: I’ve already tried.
BOB: What was her reaction?
MIKE: No result.
BOB: You see women… They need emotions.
MIKE: What kind of emotions?
BOB: Jealousy. All kind of feelings… Well, you know what I’d do in your place? I’d say her: «OK…you refuse having sex with me, so don’t mind if I find another woman to have sex with».
MIKE: Do you mean to look for a woman in the street? I’m over that age for this.
BOB: Why in the street? Your neighbor in the apartment opposite yours will perfectly do… Did you see her figure? Boobs, hips, and the rest…
MIKE: She is not my kind. She’s prostitute
BOB: Why?
MIKE: All kind of men from the street visit her.
BOB: It’s wonderful
MIKE: It’s dangerous.
BOB: Let me see… (a pause) You know, every woman needs attention, gifts. Did you try to give her any presents?
MIKE: Once I gave her flowers… She threw them in my face and said that she knew what that besom was for.
BOB: You have to be more creative.
MIKE: How?
BOB: Remember your first encounter… The way you strove to win her…
MIKE: Everything happened without any efforts…
BOB: How did you meet?
MIKE: So well… I enter the cafe near my house. Take a seat… Notice a young girl in the corner. She looked very sad. I feel my first feeling for her – pity. Decided to get acquainted with her. Come up to her and ask: «Hi, where’d you get so tanned?» She isn’t tanned at all. She looks up at me: «Are you kidding?» I say: «Yes, I’m. kidding» I say. We got into conversation. I invited her to my place. Then we got marred.
BOB: When did you spent your honeymoon?
MIKE: We were young and decided to spend a week in the tent on the band of the lake…
BOB: I have another honey moon, not in the rent.
MIKE: Bob, do you have vodka?
BOB: Yes.
MIKE: Let’s have one. It’s clean my throat. (They drink vodka). What about you’d honey moon?
BOB: It was in Caribbean or somewhere else I’d hire a room in the hotel with a view of the sea and invited her to the restaurant in the evening. Imagine candles, red vine and the waves of the ocean behind the windows…
MIKE: But I have no money for this kind of vacation.
BOB: Borrow from somebody.
MIKE: How’d I give it back? I’m on a pension.
BOB: So, you’re on a pension, doing nothing, and Helena works hard all day long. Comes home tired and cooks a meal for you. I’d have not only had sex with you but I’d have divorced from you. How do help her?
MIKE: Keep order in the house. Sometimes do shopping…
BOB: Can you cook anything?
MIKE: I can fry potatoes.
BOB: So, do this. She comes from work, you meet her with fried potatoes, there’s a candle on the table, glasses with wine, fruits, napkins. The house’s cozy and nice. Don’t ever bother her in the evening. Let her think that you were waiting for her not for sex, but because you love her…
MIKE: Bob, I really love her.. And…
BOB: You love her? It’s a different matter. You have to show her your love…
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