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MIKE: How?
BOB: You have to be patient for sex, and eventually you’ll be awarded. She’ll appreciate your efforts and come back to you.
MIKE: While I’ll be patient she’ll find somebody else…
BOB: Well… Please, explain to me how it all happens between you two?
MIKE: What happens?
BOB: I mean sex…
MIKE: As usual… Once in a week we go to bed, cover ourselves with blanket and…
BOB: I we’d details. How long does it last?
MIKE: Ten, fifteen minutes,,
BOB: Then?
MIKE: Then? I usually fall asleep… It works like sleeping peels.
BOB: Do you know that for a really valuable sex you need a prelude.
MIKE: What kind of prelude you’re talking about?
BOB: Say, in the beginning you’re supposed to kiss her lips, then behind her ear… whisper something affectionate. Then…
MIKE: It’s the first time in my life I hear about the prelude.
BOB: How long you’ve been married?
MIKE: It’ll be twenty five soon.
BOB: Oh my! Your silver wedding’s approaching, but you’re still arguing I mean, all twenty five years everything’s been OK…
MIKE: Yes, everything was OK… And suddenly (pause) What about you? How’d you meet your ex-wife?
BOB: When I first saw her in the street, I followed her… I got only one thought in my head, one desire…
MIKE: Sex?
BOB: She was carrying heavy bags. I helped her. Led hero her house. At the door of her apartment we got into conversation, became acquainted. Appointed a date in the cafe she didn’t come. In early lost my mind. Started making scenes.
MAKE: Namely?
BOB: There was a tree growing opposite her window… I climbed the tree, threw a bucket of flowers into her open window with the note that said: «I love you. Come to the cafe». In this way I opened my heart to her. Then I invited her to expensive restaurants, bought presents. This lasted about six months. We went on the vacation, and there, at nights, under the light of the moon and stars, all that happened, and I proposed to her.
MIKE: What about the honeymoon?
BOB: Sure, after the wedding we went away for two weeks and spent the honey moon in Tailand. I’d been dreaming about visiting it for a long time.
MIKE: Did Valentina also dream about it?
BOB: Don’t know. By the way, it didn’t matter by then.
MIKE: Why did you divorced from her eventually?
BOB: I understood that I’d make a mistake… Constant quarrels, jealousy… I got tired, I think, if she’d come to the cafe for the first time, I’d have never married her.
MIKE: Yelena and I’ve never quarreled. She informed me that she did not want to have sex with me quit calmly, without making any scenes. It was so unexpected.
BOB: You, pal, bored her with your dull sex. You don’t have any fantasy.
MIKE: Could you advise me what to do?
BOB: It’s very hard case… Women are very different. Some of them should be taken by power…
MIKE: How come taken by power? It doesn’t suit me…
BOB: I guessed she needs in jealousy… Did you have sex with other women but Yelena?
MIKE: No…
BOB: And did Helena have anybody but you?
MIKE: There was somebody. I met her on the next day after that guy left her. She had such lost and miserable expression on her face. May be she’s waited for him in the cafe and still hoping that he’d come back.
BOB: By the way, when did she tell you that she didn’t want to have sex with you?
MIKE: Two or three weeks ago. Does it matter?
BOB: Yes, A very hard case…What did you say to her after this?
MIKE: I didn’t say anything. I thought that it is a joke.
BOB: But now, when you know it’s not a joke… You probably need conflict…
MIKE: Why?
BOB: You need a real quarrel. It’s helps you to understand your problems. To put everything in its place after the quarrel.
MIKE: What kind of conflict?
BOB: You may bang the door, yell, threaten her that you’ll leave and never come. Make her cry, then apologize. Open your heart to her, kneel in front of her, and so on, and so on…
MIKE: I don’t like any quarrels. That’s not for me…
BOB: It’s up to you. (Pause) By the way. Forgot to tell you. I’ve recently seen Yelena in the street, she looked beautifully, young. I came up to her, helped her to carry heavy bags…
MIKE: What then?
BOB: She thanked me for help…
MIKE: And what’d you say?
BOB: Said, that the bags were heavy…
MIKE: And what’s she say?
BOB: Agreed… The. I asked her why her husband didn’t help her…
MIKE (nervously): And she?
BOB: Said: «He’s not a husband – he’s real pig… I don’t need such an pig».
MIKE: So… When did this happen?
BOB: Don’t remember exactly
MIKE: Approximately…
BOB: May be two or three weeks ago..
MIKE (runs quickly to the door): I’ll show her «»a pig»! She’ll answer for «the pig»!
BOB: Mike, stop! We haven’t yet solved your problem…
(Bob smiles rubbing his hands with satisfaction)
MIKE (runs back): Dare not speak to my wife again! If you come up to her one more, I’ll kill you!
(MIKE run away)
BOB: Good job, Bob! Now you can drink.
THE END
DECLARATION OF LOVE
CAST:
ANNA – a woman, about 40 years.
PETER – her husband, a man the same age.
PLACE: American apartment.
Scene.
Anna’s apartment. Piles of clothes on the floor.
Enter Peter.
PETER: Can I come in, Anna?
ANNA: Why didn’t you call, Peter?
PETER: It’s not a telephone conversation. Can I…
ANNA: Peter, you’re here, come in.
PETER: I’ve come to talk…you know what I mean.
ANNA: Come on in, and let’s talk… I’m spring cleaning. Careful!
PETER: Want me to take my shoes off?
ANNA: No. Men in socks looks silly. You walk around piles of clothes on the floor. Step on the rugs. Here, then over here, and here; now sit on the sofa. Relax.
Peter sits on the sofa.
PETER: I finally want… to talk about our devorce papers…
ANNA: I knew you will come today…
PETER: Why?
ANNA: I saw you in my dream last night… You go along the beach swinging your arms, and I steal along behind you, it was so funny…
PETER: So me at the beach, what’s funny?
ANNA: I’m not done. A friend of mine follows you swinging his arms just like you: he is mocking you…. And I follow both of you… can’t help laughing…. I hide when you look round. You seem to be looking for me and don’t pay any attention to my friend.
PETER: What’s his name… your friend?
ANNA: You didn’t seem to know him well. Maybe you have met him at our office parties.
PETER: So I know him!
ANNA: There were lots of people there: you didn’t pay much attention to him.
PETER: Why, is he inconspicuous?
ANNA: Inconspicuous to you perhaps, you were more interested in chatting up the ladies.
PETER: Describe him to me maybe I’ll remember him.
ANNA: He is taller than you; his eyes are blue, and his hair…
PETER: Where did you meet?
ANNA: At work… in the office.
PETER: You used to tell me about your work friends in detail. You probably told me about him.
ANNA: I might not have told you much about him…
PETER: Why?
ANNA: It’s not important now.
PETER: Yes, it’s important, since you brought him up. It is important! How well do you know him?
ANNA: None of your business. You decided to have a divorce, and we separated. Now you have your own life, and I – mine.
PETER: Do you think that I don’t still care? After fifteen years!
ANNA: Fifteen years six months and two weeks.
PETER: Anna!
ANNA: Anyway, I don’t see him any more.
PETER: When did you stop?
ANNA: I can’t remember…
PETER: Think… Real… Hard…
ANNA: About a half of year ago, after he quit our office.
PETER: So it is «out of sight, out of mind». And what kind of relationship did you have?
ANNA: What kind of relationship can be between man and woman? Need me to spell it out?
Pause
PETER: You cheated on me…
ANNA: Yes.
PETER: And you told me none of this?
ANNA: I didn’t want to.
PETER: You found somebody and kept on living with me as if nothing had happened!
ANNA: And while living with me you didn’t waste time too…
PETER: That’s why we’re going to divorce. Why didn’t you tell me about him?
ANNA: Peter, if I had made up my mind to divorce you, I would’ve told you everything.
PETER: Why didn’t you want to divorce me?… May be he didn’t want to marry you?
ANNA: When we fell for each other, he was married.
PETER: I suppose, he didn’t want to divorce his wife. How long did your relationship last?
ANNA: I don’t remember exactly… about two…
PETER: What a two-timer you really are! And still I wonder…did you stop seeing each other when he got a new job?
ANNA: At first we met often, but then… He had to drive across the whole city. You know the traffic jams…
PETER: Traffic jams! Was it just traffic jams you blame? Couldn’t you make up anything more interesting? Say, a plane crash: your lover dies falling down from a huge height, or you are attacked by thugs, he defends you but is stabbed in the back, bleeding badly…
ANNA: Peter, stop mocking!
PETER: Ha! Who is mocking who? Your lover moves to the other end of the city, and then – end of love! I would’ve understood you if it was a real passion… but I don’t know what to call this. Some nonsense! Stupidity! Because of this nonsense our whole relationship goes to hell?
ANNA: Our relationship? What did I get? Just humiliation. Did you really love me? Every party you ignored me and quickly found a woman and started flirting. What chance did I have? Just to be a wallflower?
PETER: Did you do all that in revenge? If yes, then that’s different.
ANNA: It doesn’t matter whether I did this in revenge or not…
Pause.
He was extraordinary, very considerate, loved me, used to bring me flowers…
PETER: Considerate: traffic jams and end of love! Don’t you feel ashamed to tell me, your husband, all this? After fifteen years together…
ANNA: Fifteen years six months and two weeks.
PETER: Anna!
Anna (comes close.): Peter!
Peter (pushes her away.): Give me his phone number.
ANNA: What for?
PETER: I want to meet him… and his wife.
ANNA: And why his wife?
PETER: I’ll compare her and you! Give me his phone number!
ANNA: I don’t have it.
PETER: That’s a lie, Anna. You’re lying!
ANNA: I don’t have it… not since we parted.
PETER: Then – his last name. Well, come on!
ANNA: I won’t.
PETER: Oh, I understand, it means that you didn’t have anybody and any relationship. You’ve made up the whole romance. Nobody hankered after you, just your sick imagination: love, infidelity, traffic jams – all this is a lie. Our whole life together was a mistake.
ANNA: Peter, but we had such fun together.
PETER: Fun? Me? Never! What’re you talking about? All our life together was a complete and utter torture for me.
ANNA: Our “grunge” costume party…
PETER: Ya, friends still mention it, but that was different.
ANNA: Why?
PETER: I’ve never loved you, not a moment!
Anna (slowly): Full moon… Lake George… when we slipped off the paddle boat… You like to sleep touching me…
PETER: (pause) It was long ago.
ANNA: Peter, why did you marry me?
PETER: Your pregnancy.
ANNA: But it was a mistake.
PETER: I decided that I was committed to marry you…Well, I’ve come to see you on business. I finally wanted to dot all the “i”s. Now I understand everything. You’re a liar and disgusting trash! I feel suffocated! I’m divorcing you. I’ll complete the divorce agreement myself. Good-bye!
Peter leaves. Anna runs after him.
ANNA: Peter, wait stop! I told you a lie!
PETER: (stops at the door). More lies?
ANNA: Listen, I had a love affair and it ended when he, my lover, died in a car crash. He was hurrying to be with me when…(Anna swallows hard.) passed a bus and hit another car…
Pause.
PETER: Passed a bus? Passed… When did it happen?
ANNA: Six months ago.
PETER: Six months… It was Michael! My best friend!
ANNA: Yes, Michael.
PETER: How did it happen?
ANNA: He was hurrying to see me…
PETER: I introduced you to Michael! I was proud for you to see what a wonderful friend I had.
ANNA: He was really a wonderful…
PETER: You’re going to say “a lover”? I can’t believe… it can’t be true. If there had been something between you, I certainly would have noticed it.
ANNA: You and Michael didn’t meet so often lately… He was afraid that you would suspect us.
PETER: I respected him so much: joyful, full of life, and so tragically… We’d been friends as kids: at school, at college…he had always rescued me… when we were about twelve; a dog jumped out and grabbed my leg… Michael found a stick and beat the dog away. I still have the scar; I can show it to you.
ANNA: I’ve seen your “dog bite” a lot of times…
PETER: We used to be close friends… Used to read each other well, so quick on the uptake… How come I didn’t notice anything?
ANNA: You were busy… You so persistently hung round his wife.
PETER: It was nothing serious… (angry silence.) Oh, and she must’ve noticed that there was something between you. Women – they notice everything. I’ll call her right now…
Grabs his cell phone.
ANNA: Stop it! Can you really call a woman who lost her husband just six months ago and ask her about her husband’s infidelity?
Peter silently closes his cell phone and throws it.
ANNA: Didn’t you have an affair with her? I thought that you were seeing each other, especially after his death.
PETER: How could he? I cannot believe… My best friend…
Silence while Peter stares with confused interest at Anna.
ANNA: Why are looking at me like that?
PETER: Anna, what did he see in you?
ANNA: Think…
PETER: I don’t… Tell me, please…
ANNA: He loved me… It was real passion…
PETER: Amazing! So unexpectedly. He was striking, brilliant, so able…
Pause.
What now…
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