Английский разговорный шутя. 100 анекдотов на все случаи жизни Миловидов Виктор

Section 1:

2.  1. A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced.

2. He was hoping he could get a special rooster.

3. Before setting him loose, he gave him a little talk.

4. He mounted all the horses at the same frantic pace.

5. In the pighouse he did the same.

6. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back.

7. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.

8. The buzzard's getting closer.

3.  True: 2, 3, 7. False: 1, 4, 5, 6.

4.  1-Е, 2-B, 3-D, 4-F, 5-C, 6-G, 7-A, 8-1, 9-K, 10-J, 11-H.

5.  1. He went to the market looking for a rooster.

2. I have just the rooster for you.

3. I'm counting on you to do your stuff.

4. And without a word Randy strutted into the henhouse.

5. There was much squawking and many feathers flying.

6. Randy had finished having his way with each hen.

7. The farmer was watching all of this with disbelief.

8. Oh you poor thing, you've killed yourself. I warned you.

6.  1. A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.

2. He wanted to find a very good rooster to service all his hens, and when he told this to the market vendor, the man answered: «I've just the rooster for you.»

3. «Randy here is the greatest rooster you might have ever seen!»

7. So the farmer took Randy back to the farm.

Section 2:

2.  1. He waited to see what would happen.

2. The burglar heard nothing and resumed his search.

3. This was puzzling to the burglar and he was about equally curious and scared.

4. He began working his way toward the voice.

5. This scared the hell out of the burglar.

6. He felt around and found a switch and turned it on.

7. The parrot looked at the burglar and said, «I see you and Jesus sees you.»

3.  1-C, 2-A, 3-Е, 4-B, 5-F, 6-D.

4. 1-C, 2-1, 3-G, 4-J, 5-D, 6-H, 7-A, 8-K, 9-E, 10-L, 11-F, 12-М, 13-В, 14-0, 15-R, 16-S, 17-P, 18-T, 19-Q, 20-U, 21-N.

5.  1. A burglar had broken into a house late at night, in total

darkness.

2. He stopped and listened for a while and heard nothing.

3. He began to look for the room with all the «goodies».

4. He could faintly understand the words.

5. This made the burglar just freeze.

6. The burglar resumed his search.

7. The burglar was equally curious and scared.

6.  burglars 

hells 

journeys 

birds

houses 

minutes 

rooms 

cages

nights 

noises 

times 

parrots

ways 

lights 

searches 

bags

voices 

switches 

puzzles 

tables

Section 3:

2. 1. How can he be dead?

2. «Isn't there some other test you can run?»

3. The vet leaves and returns with a case, and a large cat emerges.

4. The cat sniffs around the dog's head.

5. After a minute or two the cat returns.

6. I guess you're right.

7. At least I did my best.

8. How much do I owe you?

9. All you did was perform a cat scan.

3.  True: 3, 5. False: 1, 2, 4, 6, 7.

4.  1-C, 2-H, 3-D, 4-1, 5-B, 6-F, 7-J, 8-G, 9-A, 10-E, 11-P, 12-Q, 13-M, 14-0, 15-R, 16-K, 17-N, 18-L.

5.  1. Doctor, I think there's something wrong with my dog.

2. He hasn't moved all day.

3. The vet examined the dog.

4. Are you sure it's dead?

5. Isn't there some other test you can run?

6. He opened the case and a large cat emerged.

7. The cat sniffed around the dog's head.

8. What did you do that costs $230?

6.  1. rooster,

2. feathers,

3. curious,

4. motionless,

5. switch,

6. freeze,

7. service,

8. furious,

9. resume,

10. emerge.

7.  1.The woman visits the vet every other day.

2. The dog has not moved since yesterday.

3. The vet is examining the dog at the moment.

4. Is my dog dead?

5. What test are you running now?

6. «I am leaving at the moment, and will return in a minute,» said the vet.

7."What are you carrying in this case?" asked the woman. 8. I open this case every morning. 9.Have you ever seen such a cat before?

10. No, I have never seen such a cat in all my life.

11. What is he sniffing around at present?

12. Why is he circling my dog?

13. How much do I owe you?

8.  1. Does the woman go to the vet?

2. Is there anything wrong with my dog?

3. Has he moved all day?

4. Are you afraid my dog is dead?

5. Does the vet leave and return in a moment?

6. Does he open the case?

7. Is a large cat emerging?

8. Is the cat plodding over to the dog?

9.  1. Who hasn't moved all day?

What hasn't the dog done all day?

How long hasn't the dog moved?

2. Who leaves and returns in a moment?

What does the vet do?

When does the vet leave and return?

3. Who returns to its cage after a minute or two?

What does the cat do after a minute or two?

Where does the cat return after a minute or two? When does the cat return to its cage?

Section 4:

2.  1. The audience would be different each week.

2. The magician allowed himself to do the same tricks.

3. Once the parrot understood he started shouting.

4. Look, he is hiding the flowers.

5. The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.

6. One day the ship had an accident and sank.

7. They stared at each other with hate.

3.  1-B, 2-F, 3-D, 4-C, 5-E, 6-A.

4.  1-D, 2-H, 3-Е, 4-C, 5-1, 6-G, 7-A, 8-F, 9-B.

5.  1. There was only one problem.

2. The parrot began to understand how the magician did his tricks.

3. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show.

4. Look, he is hiding the flowers in the hat.

5. The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.

6. After all, it was the captain's parrot.

7. This went on for a day, and another and another.

6.  1. When the magician worked on a cruise ship he allowed himself to do one and the same trick over and over again.

2. The magician was hiding the flowers under the table while he was doing his tricks.

3. There was only one problem yesterday.

4. There were three problems yesterday.

5. As soon as the captain had seen the show he started shouting at the magician.

6. He was shouting all day long.

7. After the ship had sunk the magician found himself on a log of wood.

8. When a week had passed, the parrot said that he was giving up.

7. 1. Who was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean?

What was the magician doing on a cruise ship in the Caribbean?

Where was the magician working?

2. Who began to understand how the magician did every trick?

What did the captain's parrot begin to understand?

Whose parrot began to understand how the magician did every trick?

3. Who started shouting in the middle of the show?

What did he start doing in the middle of the show?

When did he start shouting?

4. Who is hiding the flowers under the table?

What is he hiding under the table?

Where is he hiding the flowers?

5. Who found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot?

Where did the magician find himself with the parrot?

Where was the piece of wood the magician found himself on? Who did the magician find himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with?

Section 5:

2.  1. That's terrible!

2. I have a solution to your problem.

3. Bring your parrots over to my house.

4. I have taught my parrots to pray and read the Bible.

5. The lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.

6. The male parrots are holding rosary beads.

7. «Do you want to have some fun?»

8. One male parrot looks over to the other and says, «Put the Bible away.»

3.  True: 3, 5, 7. False: 1, 2, 4, 6.

4.  1-Е, 2-C, 3-H, 4-D, 5-B, 6-G, 7-A, 8-F.

5.  1. One lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have

a problem."

2. They only know how to say «Hi!»

3. «That's terrible!» the priest exclaimed.