Английский разговорный шутя. 100 анекдотов на все случаи жизни Миловидов Виктор

Section 3

Dead Dog

A woman goes to the vet. She says, «Doctor, I think there's something wrong with my dog. He hasn't moved all day.»

The vet examines the dog and says, «I'm sorry. I'm afraid your dog is dead.»

«Dead! How can he be dead? He was just fine yesterday. Are you sure he's dead? Isn't there some other test you can run?»

The vet leaves and returns in a moment with a pet carrying case. He opens the case and a large cat emerges. The cat plods over to the dog and sniffs around its head. It then circles the dog, sniffing and poking around. After a minute or two the cat returns to its cage.

«Well,» says the vet, «that pretty much proves it. He's dead.»

«I guess you're right,» says the woman. She is coming to grips with what happened. «At least you did your best. How much do I owe you?»

«$230.»

«$230?! For what? All you did was tell me my dog was dead. What did you do that costs $230?»

«Well it's $30 for the office visit,» says the vet, «and $200 for the cat scan.»

Study the words and expressions given below:

vet сокр. разг.veterinary ветеринарный врач

to emerge появляться, возникать

to plod тащиться, передвигаться с трудом

to sniff нюхать, обнюхивать

to poke тыкать; совать(ся)

grip захват; способность понять, осознать что-л.

to guess догадываться

to owe быть должным

to scan сканировать, исследовать

to run a test провести анализ

that pretty much proves it разг. это со всей очевидностью доказывает это

to come to grips with sth осознавать, понять

to do one's best сделать все, на что способен

office visit посещение; зд. прием (уврача)

cat scan сканирование с применением кота

at least по крайней мере

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. What does the woman think about her dog?

2. What did the vet return with?

3. In what way did the cat perform his test?

4. How much did the doctor think the woman owed him?

5. How much was the cat scan?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. How can he _______ dead?

2. «Isn't there some other test you can _______?»

3. The vet _______ and returns with a case, and a large

cat.

4. The cat _______ around the dog's head.

5. After a minute or _______ the cat returns.

6. I _______ you're right.

7. At _______ I did my best.

8. How much do I _______ you?

9. All you did was perform a cat _______.

3.Say if the statements are false or true:

1. The dog hasn't moved all week.

2. The vet says, «I'm sorry. I'm afraid your dog is ill.»

3. He was just fine yesterday.

4. The vet leaves and never returns.

5. He opens the case and a large cat emerges.

6. After a minute or two the vet returns to its cage.

7. «How much do I owe you?» – «$530.»

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Доктор, я думаю, с моей собакой что-то неладно.

2. Она целый день не двигалась.

3. Доктор осмотрел собаку.

4. Вы уверены, что она умерла?

5. Нет ли других анализов, которые вы могли бы провести?

6. Он открыл коробку, и появился большой кот.

7. Кот понюхал вокруг собачьей головы.

8. Что вы сделали такого, что стоит 230 долларов?

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6. Find English equivalents to the Russian words in the scanword. The hidden words are positioned both horizontally and vertically, as well as on diagonals:

1. (r…) петух, 2. (f…) перья, 3. (с…) любопытный, 4. (m…) неподвижный, 5. (s…) включать, 6. (f…) замерзать, 7. (s…) обслуживать, 8. (f…) яростный, 9. (r…) возобновлять, 10. (е… ) появляться.

В предложениях A woman goes to the vet; Doctor, I think there's something wrong with my dog используется так называемое простое настоящее время;

в предложении Не hasn't moved all day — настоящее совершенное время;

в предложении She is coming to grips with what happened — настоящее длительное время.

Проверьте, правильно ли вы используете три основные формы настоящего времени (в случае необходимости воспользуйтесь грамматическим комментарием; раздел 3).

7.Fill in the blanks with appropriate Present forms of the verbs given in brackets:

1. The woman (to visit)the vet every other day.

2. The dog (not to move)since yesterday.

3. The vet (to examine)the dog at the moment.

4. (to be)my dog dead?

5. What test you (to run)now?

6. "I (to leave)at the moment, and will return

in a minute," said the vet.

7. "What you (to carry)in this case?" asked

the woman.

8. I (to open)this case every morning.

9. You (ever to see)such a cat before?

10. No, I (never to see)such a cat in all my life.

11. What he (to sniff)around at present?

12. Why he (to circle)my dog?

13. How much I (to owe)you?

Женщина, пришедшая к ветеринару, задает множество вопросов, которые подразделяются на несколько видов:

Основные виды вопросительных предложений – общий и специальный вопросы.

Проверьте навыки постановки данных вопросов, при необходимости обращаясь к грамматическому комментарию; раздел 3.

8.Make general questions to the sentences given below:

1. A woman goes to the vet.

2. There's something wrong with my dog.

3. He hasn't moved all day.

4. I'm afraid your dog is dead.

5. The vet leaves and returns in a moment.

6. He opens the case.

7. A large cat is emerging.

8. The cat is plodding over to the dog.

9.Make as many special questions as you can to the sentences given below:

1. The dog hasn't moved all day.

2. The vet leaves and returns in a moment.

3. After a minute or two the cat returns to its cage.

10.Render the joke.

Section 4

The Parrot And The Magician

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show.

«Look, it's not the same hat.»

«Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.»

«Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?»

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another and another.

After a week the parrot said. «OK, I give up. Where's the boat?»

Study the words and expressions given below:

magician фокусник

cruise круиз

to stare уставиться

to allow oneself позволять себе

over and over again снова и снова

to start shouting начинать кричать

the Ace of Spades карт. туз пик

to utter a word произносить слово

to give up сдаваться

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. What sort of a ship the magician was working on?

2. What did the magician allow himself to do each week?

3. What did the captain's parrot begin to understand?

4. What did he shout in the middle of the show?

5. Why couldn't the magician do anything?

6. Where did the magician find himself after the ship had sunk?

7. Why did the parrot give up?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. The ______ would be different each week.

2. The magician allowed himself to do ______ tricks.

3. Once the parrot understood he started ______.

4. Look, he is ______ the flowers.

5. The magician was ______ but couldn't do anything.

6. One day the ship had an ______ and sank.

7. They ______ at each other with hate.

3. Match the two parts of each sentence:

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Там была только одна проблема.

2. Попугай начал понимать, как фокусник делает свои фокусы.

3. Однажды поняв, он принялся кричать в середине представления.

4. Смотрите, он прячет цветы в шляпе.

5. Фокусник был в бешенстве, но он не мог ничего поделать.

6. В конце концов, это был попугай капитана.

7. Так продолжалось день, потом другой и еще один.

В предложениях A magician was working on a cruise ship и The magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again используются две основные формы прошедшего времени английского глагола – прошедшее длительное и прошедшее простое.

В вопросе Where did the magician find himself after the ship had sunk? используется третья основная форма прошедшего времени английского глагола – прошедшее совершенное время.

Проверьте свои знания этих временных форм (в случае необходимости используйте грамматический комментарий; раздел 4).

6. Fill in the blanks with appropriate forms of the verbs:

1. When the magician worked on a cruise ship he (to allow) _______ himself to do one and the same trick over and over again.

2. The magician (to hide) _______ the flowers under the table while he was doing his tricks.

3. There (to be) _______ only one problem yesterday.

4. There (to be) _______ three problems yesterday.

5. As soon as the captain (to see) _______ the show he started shouting at the magician.

6. He (to shout) _______ all day long.

7. After the ship (to sink) _______ the magician found himself on a log of wood.

8. When a week (to pass) _______ , the parrot (to say) _______ that he was giving up.

7. Make as many special questions to the sentences given as possible:

1. A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.

2. The captain's parrot began to understand how the magician did every trick.

3. He started shouting in the middle of the show.

4. He is hiding the flowers under the table.

5. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot.

8. Render the joke.

Section 5

Parrots

One lady approaches a priest and tells him, «Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.»

«What do they say?» the priest asked.

"They only know how to say 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "

«That's terrible!» the priest exclaimed. «But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.»

«Oh, thank you, Father!» said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots, and the female parrots say, «Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?» One male parrot looks over to the other and says, «Put the Bible away! Our prayers have been answered!»

Study the words and expressions given below:

to approach приближаться

female особь женского пола

male особь мужского пола

Hi! Привет!

prostitute проститутка

to exclaim восклицать

solution решение

to pray молить(ся)

to worship боготворить

the Bible Библия

rosary beads четки

to have some fun развлекаться

to stop saying прекратить говорить

our prayers have been answered наши молитвы были услышаны

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. How many things do the lady's parrots know how to say?

2. What do they call themselves?