Английский разговорный шутя. 100 анекдотов на все случаи жизни Миловидов Виктор

Section 8

Darling, i have a confession

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, «Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?»

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, «Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?»

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, «Darling, I've a confession to make.»

And she says, «So have I, love.»

He cries out, «Don't tell me you've eaten my socks!»

Study the words and expressions given below:

confession признание

couple пара

honeymoon медовый месяц

edge край

bathtub ванна

smelly пахучий, вонючий

to stink вонять

to manage удаваться, преуспевать в чем-л.

to date зд. встречаться до брака

meanwhile тем временем

breath дыхание

to court ухаживать

gently мягко

to climb забираться

hers ее

to keep sth from sb скрывать что-л. от кого-л.

to be bound быть вынужденным 

to find out обнаруживать

sooner or later рано или поздно

to be lucky быть удачливым

as soon as как только, так…

to pluck up enough courage собраться с духом

So have I. И я тоже.

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. Where was the husband sitting?

2. What did he worry about?

3. Guess how he had managed to keep his socks as well as his feet away from his would-be wife while they were dating?

4. Where was the wife sitting?

5. How long would it take the man to learn everything about his wife's breath, she thought?

6. Why did the man think that his wife had eaten his socks?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. A young couple _______ on their honeymoon.

2. How can I tell my wife that my socks _______ stink?

3. I've _______ to keep it from her while we were dating.

4. I've been very _______ to keep it from him.

5. He's _______ to find out.

6. How do I tell him _______?

7. Darling, I've a _______ to make.

8. So have I, _______.

3. Match the two parts of each sentence:

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Рано или поздно она вынуждена будет обнаружить это.

2. Тем временем жена сидела в постели.

3. Мне удавалось делать это, пока мы встречались.

4. Как мне сказать ему об этом мягко?

5. Муж наконец собирается с духом.

6. Он забирается к своей жене, обвивает ее шею своей рукой и говорит.

7. Я тоже, любовь моя.

В предложении A young couple were on their honeymoon… подлежащее, выраженное существительным в форме единственного числа, согласуется со сказуемым, выраженным глаголом во множественном числе.

Проверьте свои знания согласования подлежащего и сказуемого в английском предложении. В случае необходимости используйте грамматический комментарий (раздел 8).

6. Choose the appropriate form of the verb:

1. The husband, as well as his wife, (was, were) _______ in the hotel.

2. It (was, were) _______ the young couple who rented the apartment.

3. Both the husband and the wife (was, were) _______ bound to find it out.

4. Everyone in the house (know, knows) _______ that they have left.

5. Both (was, were) _______ afraid to confess their secrets to each other.

6. A pair of his socks (was, were) _______ lying on the table.

7. Neither my wife nor her relatives (know, knows) _______ that my feet stink.

8. The number of married couples in our hotel (is, are) _______ growing.

9. Honeymoon Jokes (is, are) _______ the most funny section of the book.

В предложении And she says, «So have I, love»… используется краткая форма выражения солидарности с предыдущей репликой диалога. Таких форм – положительных и отрицательных – существует несколько.

Проверьте свои знания данных форм, при необходимости обращаясь к грамматическому комментарию (раздел 9).

7. Fill in the blanks with appropriate forms. Follow the directions given:

Model:

1. We were on our honeymoon. (They – so): So were they.

2. The husband wasn't sitting in the bathroom. (I – neither): Neither was I.

1. I've got really smelly feet. (they – too)

2. My socks absolutely stink. (mine – also)

3. I didn't manage to keep it from her. (we – either)

4. We weren't dating. (they – neither)

5. I've been very lucky to keep it from him. (she – so)

6. The husband has finally plucked up enough courage. (I – so)

7. He hadn't walked into the bedroom. (she – either)

8. He won't walk over to the bed. (I – neither)

9. He didn't put his arm around her neck. (I – either)

10. He moves his face very close to hers. (I – too)

11. I've a confession to make. (she – so)

8. Insert articles where necessary:

1. The husband was sitting in _______ bathroom on edge of the bathtub.

2. I've got really smell _______ feet and my socks absolutely stink.

3. I've managed to keep it from _______ her while we were dating.

4. The wife was sitting in _______ bed.

5. How do I tell my _______ husband that I've got really badbreath?

6. The husband plucks up enoug _______ hcourage.

7. He walks into _______ bedroom.

8. He puts his arm around her _______ neck.

9.Render the joke.

Section 9

Wedding night practical jokes

A couple was planning on getting married. Seeing how they didn't have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided to just go back to their new apartment after the wedding.

The groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing practical jokes. One being a carpenter, the other an ordinary guy, and the third a dentist.

They all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly married friends. The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed so that when they climbed into bed, the bed would collapse. The ordinary guy decided to short-sheet the bed, so that when they got into it their feet wouldn't reach the bottom. The dentist chuckled and wouldn't tell anyone what he planned to do.

A week later the three friends all received letters in the mail.

«Dear friends, we didn't mind the fact that when we got into bed, the bed collapsed, or the guy that short-sheeted it, but I'm gonna kill the bastard that put the novacaine in the vaseline!»

Study the words and expressions given below:

groom жених

to commit совершать, устраивать

carpenter плотник

ordinary обычный

guy парень

dentist дантист

slat перекладина

to collapse падать, рушиться

bottom низ

to chuckle хихикать

to mind возражать, иметь что-либо против

bastard ублюдок

novacaine новокаин

vaseline вазелин

to plan on doing sth планировать сделать что-л.

to be prone to doing sth иметь склонность к чему-л.

close friend близкий друг

practical joke розыгрыш

to pull a joke on sb подшутить над кем-л.

newly married молодожены

to short-sheet подвернуть простыню под матрац

1. Answer the questions to the text:

1. Why did the couple decide to just go back to their new apartment after the wedding?

2. What were the groom's close friends prone to committing?

3. What were they?

4. How did the carpenter decide to make fun of the newly married couple?

5. What did the ordinary guy decide to do?

6. Why didn't the dentist say what he was going to do?

7. How long did it take the newly married couple to write letters to their friends?

8. What was the young husband going to do with the dentist?

2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:

1. A couple was planning on _______ married.

2. They decided to _______ go back to their new apartment.

3. The groom had three _______ friends.

4. They were prone to _______ practical jokes.

5. They decided to _______ a practical joke on their friends.

6. The carpenter decided he _______ cut the slats.

7. The bed would _______.

8. Their feet didn't _______ the bottom.

3. Say if the sentences are true of false:

1. They decided to just go to Italy after the wedding.

2. The groom had three close friends.

3. The carpenter decided he would put the novacaine in the vaseline.

4. The ordinary guy decided to short-sheet the bed.

5. The dentist chuckled and told he would pull the bride's teeth out.

6. A week later the three friends all received telegrams.

4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:

5. Translate from Russian into English:

1. Парочка собиралась пожениться.

2. У жениха было трое близких друзей.

3. Они имели склонность к розыгрышам.

4. Плотник решил, что он подрубит перекладины на постели.

5. Дантист усмехнулся и никому не захотел сказать, что он собирается сделать.

6. Я убью ублюдка!

В предложении The carpenter decided he would cut the slats… используется не встречающаяся в русском языке временная форма глагола – будущее-в-прошедшем время. Она образуется при помощи вспомогательного глагола would.

Этот же глагол – в другом значении – используется в предложении The dentist chuckled and wouldn't tell anyone what he planned to do…

Проверьте, насколько хорошо вы владеете этой формой глагола, при необходимости обращаясь к грамматическому комментарию (разделы 10, 11).

6. Fill in the blanks with appropriate forms of the verbs:

1. As the young couple didn't have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided that they (to go back) _______ to their new apartment after the wedding.

2. The groom's close friends thought that they (to act) _______ wisely if they (to commit) _______ some practical jokes on their newly married friends.

3. The carpenter decided he (to cut) _______ the slats.

4. They thought that when the couple (to climb) _______ into bed, the bed (to collapse) _______.

5. The ordinary guy decided to short-sheet the bed, so that their feet (not to reach) _______ the bottom.

6. The dentist chuckled and (not to tell) _______ anyone what he planned to do.

7. Find English equivalents to the Russian words in the scanword:

1. (с… ) совершать, 2. (с… ) падать, 3. (m… ) женатый, 4. (с… ) признание, 5. (с… ) пара, 6. (b… ) дыхание, 7. (с… ) мужество, 8. (1… ) удачливый, 9. (r… ) осознавать, 10. (1… ) грузить.

8. Render the joke.

Section 10

Bride and groom

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the bannister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, «Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!»

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, «Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!»

Study the words and expressions given below:

bride невеста

feeble слабый, хилый

healthy здоровый

vivacious живой, веселый

bannister перила

concern озабоченность, беспокойство