Английский разговорный шутя. 100 анекдотов на все случаи жизни Миловидов Виктор

Section 49

The christmas pet

A man wanted to buy a new pet for a Christmas present, so he went to the pet shop and asked the shop clerk what he would recommend. «Well,» the clerk said, pointing out a large bird, «we have this parrot here, and he not only talks, he sings. I'll show you.» The clerk then lit a match and held it under the parrot's right foot. Immediately, the bird began singing, "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, jingle all the way… "

«That's amazing,» the customer said. «What does he sing when you hold a match under his left foot?»

The clerk immediately lit a match and held it under the bird's left foot. The bird quickly started singing, "I'll have a blue, blue Christmas, without you… "

The customer couldn't believe what he heard. Finally he asked, «What does he do when you hold the match between his feet?»

The clerk lit a match and held it there. The bird hesitated a moment, then began singing, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire… "

Words and Expressions:

pet питомец, домашнее животное или птица

to light зажигать 

match спичка

customer посетитель, покупатель

blue зд. грустный, печальный

chestnut каштан

to roast жарить

for a present в качестве подарка

«Jingle Bells…» рождественская песня

«I'll have a blue Christmas without you…» грустная рождественская песня

open fire открытый огонь

«Chestnuts roasting on an open fire…» старинная застольная песня

Section 50

Why the little angel is at the top of the christmas tree

On Christmas Eve Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip. As he pulled his favorite pair of red pants on, they ripped. So, he had to take them off and put on another pair, which was a bit too tight. He then went to check on the rest of the preparations.

The elves were on strike. The reindeer had shin-splints. At this point, Santa was BUMMED. He went into the kitchen to take a calming drink, and the bottle was EMPTY. Now he was really mad.

All of sudden, there was a knock at the door. Santa, in his angry state, ignored it. There was another knock. Santa was in no mood for all of this. When the knock came again, Santa – filled with rage – threw open the door. Standing there was a little angel who said, «Hi, Santa! What do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?»

Words and Expressions:

top макушка

annual ежегодный

trip поездка, путешествие

pants штаны

to rip разрывать(ся)

tight тесный

to check проверять

preparations приготовления

elf эльф

strike забастовка

reindeer северный олень

shin-splints перелом голени

bummed сленг расстроен, удручен, выведен из себя

to calm успокаивать

to knock стучать (в дверь)

angry сердитый, злой

state состояние

to ignore не обращать внимания

rage ярость angelангел

Christmas Eve канун Рождества

Santa Claus Санта Клаус

on strike бастовать

all of sudden разг. all of a sudden неожиданно

to be in no mood for sth разг. быть не в настроении для чего-л.

Section 51

I don't want to go

Thanksgiving Day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, «The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.»

«Oh yeah?» her young grandson replied. «So why is their dad carrying that rifle?»

Words and Expressions:

pilgrim паломник, пилигрим; зд. первые переселенцы в Америку

to observe замечать, отмечать

rifle ружье

Thanksgiving Day День Благодарения

Section 52

On thanksgivingday

Words and Expressions:

bare голый

bead капля (пота)

sweat пот

neck шея

breast грудь

to drool сленг испытывать сильнейшее желание

thigh бедро

slit щель

hole отверстие

inside внутрь; внутри

murky сумрачный, сумеречный

to stretch протягивать, вытягивать

to stuff набивать; зд. фаршировать

turkey индейка

Section 53

One thanksgiving morning

There was an old married couple that had lived happily together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.

The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping such nasty farts.

He told her that he couldn't help it.

She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to «fart his guts out.»

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about «farting his guts out» until one Thanksgiving morning.

Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass-trumpeting. This was soon followed by a bloodcurdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him, she had finally gotten even!

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was wrong.

He said, «Honey, you were right – all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you.»

«What do you mean?» asked his wife.

«Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers,… I think I got'em all back in!!!»

Words and Expressions:

friction трение, трения

to fart груб. испускать ветры

nearly почти

to awake просыпаться

smell запах

to water зд. слезиться

to choke задыхаться

to plead умолять

nasty ужасный, скверный, гадкий

to beg просить, умолять

natural естественный

bodily телесный

fumes запахи, испарения

guts кишки

to suffer страдать

warning предупреждение

dawn рассвет

feast пир, праздничное пиршество

pumpkin pie тыквенный пирог

mashed potatoes картофельное пюре

gravy грейви, подливка

innards внутренности

to occur приходить в голову, случаться

to solve решать (проблему, задачу)

devilish дьявольский

grin усмешка, гримаса

bowl миска

flatulent мед. страдающий от газов

soundly asleep крепко спящий

gently мягко, нежно

shorts трусы, шорты

underwear нижнее белье

to replace перекладывать

trumpet муз. труба, горн

trumpeting трубящий

to curdle сворачиваться (о крови)

scream вопль

frantic яростный

footsteps шаги

to roll кататься

to stain покрывать пятнами

horror ужас

lip губа

grace грация; зд. милость

to break wind испускать ветры

I can't help it Я ничего не могу с этим поделать

to wave sth away отмахиваться от чего-л., отгонять что-л.

bloodcurdling scream вопль, от которого стынет кровь

to tear up (о глазах) наливаться слезами

she had finally gotten even от get even свести счеты

to keep from sth удерживаться от чего-л.

by the grace of God and these two fingers… по милости Божьей и благодаря этим двум пальцам…

I got'em back in = I got them… я засунул их назад

Section 54

The costume party

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.

The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed.

She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new «action».

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, «Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.»

Then she asked, «Did you dance much?»

He replied, «I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you … the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!»

Words and Expressions:

costume костюм; костюмированный (о вечеринке, бале)

party вечеринка

swanky сленг элегантный, шикарный

to mask надевать маску

Halloween Хэллоуин

devoted преданный (о мужьях и женах)

to protest протестовать

to argue спорить

aspirin аспирин

to miss пропускать, лишаться чего-л.

fun удовольствие, развлечение

pain боль

hubby сленг муженек

to spot выслеживать

to cavort прыгать, скакать

chick сленг девушка, девица

to сор сленг взять или украсть что-л.

a feel сленг прикосновение (обычно – к лицу противоположного пола)

to sidle подходить, ходить бочком

seductive соблазнительная

babe сленг крошка

to devote посвящать

"action" зд. дельце

to whisper шептать

proposition предложение

to unmask снять маску

notorious пользующийся дурной славой, заслуживающий осуждения

behavior поведение

den притон, вертеп; зд. комната для игры

poker покер

to loan одолжить

no need for sth нет нужды в чем-л.