Английский разговорный шутя. 100 анекдотов на все случаи жизни Миловидов Виктор

Section 62

Job applicants

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, «What do two plus two equal?»

The mathematician replies, «Four.»

The interviewer asks, «Four, exactly?»

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, «Yes, four, exactly.»

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question, «What do two plus two equal?»

The accountant says, «On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.»

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, «What do two plus two equal?»

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, «What do you want it to equal?»

Words and Expressions:

job работа, рабочее место

applicant соискатель, претендент на рабочее место

mathematician математик

interviewer интервьюер, проводящий собеседование

to call in вызывать (в кабинет)

to equal равняться, быть равным

exactly точно

incredulous недоверчивый, скептический

percent процент, проценты

to lock запирать (дверь)

shade жалюзи, шторы

to apply for подавать заявление о приеме

What do two plus two equal? Чему равняется два плюс два?

on average в среднем

give or take ten percent плюс-минус десять процентов

to pose a question задавать вопрос, ставить вопрос

Section 63

Schubert's productivity

A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.

Words and Expressions:

productivity производительность (труда)

chairman президент

ticket билет

performance исполнение

unfinished неоконченный

symphony симфония

invitation приглашение

plausible вероятный, правдоподобный

memorandum меморандум, служебная записка

as follows следующим образом

considerable значительный

oboe муз. гобой

to reduce сокращать

to spread распределять, рассредоточивать

orchestra оркестр

to avoid избегать

peak пик, вершина

inactivity бездействие, отсутствие активности

violin скрипка

identical идентичный, подобный

note нота

duplication удвоение, дублирование

staff адм. штат, персонал

drastically решительно, круто

volume объем

to obtain получать, приобретать, достигать

amplifier усилитель

effort усилие

to involve вовлекать, вводить

semiquaver муз. шестнадцатая (нота)

demi-semiquavers муз. тридцать вторая (нота)

excessive избыточный

refinement украшение

to round up свести, округлить

trainee ученик

craftsman мастер

purpose цель

horn рожок

passage муз. пассаж

to handle обращаться (зд. играть, исполнять)

strings струнные

redundant избыточный

to eliminate изымать, уничтожать

concert концерт

to conclude заключать, подводить итоги

matters обстоятельства

Quality Assurance Manager менеджер по контролю за качеством

instead of вместо

in light of the above в свете вышеизложенного

Section 64

Husband's checkup

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:

1) Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

2) At lunch, make him a warm nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

3) For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.

4) Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said to her. She replied, «You're going to die.»

Words and Expressions:

checkup проверка, осмотр

to accompany сопровождать

aside в сторону

mood настроение

nutritious питательный

especially особенно

to burden обременять, нагружать

household домашний, хозяйственный

chore домашняя работа

whim прихоть, каприз

good frame of mind хорошее расположение духа

Section 65

2 Drops every 4 hours

My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice.

He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, «Put two drops in right ear every four hours,» and he abbreviated «right» as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

«Put two drops in R ear every four hours.»

Words and Expressions:

actually действительно

practice практика

earache боль в ухе

prescription предписание, рецепт

ear drops ушные капли

to abbreviate сокращать, давать аббревиатуру

circle кружок

greasy замасленный 

oil масло

pharmacist фармацевт

to type напечатать

label ярлык, этикетка

rear сленг зад

back in the early days давно в прошлом

Section 66

Bob's doctor

«Would you mind telling me, Doctor,» Bob asked, «how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?»

«Nothing is easier,» he replied. «You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.»

«What sort of question?»

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' "

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, «You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must confess, I don't know much about history.»

Words and Expressions:

to detect определять

mental умственный

deficiency недостаточность, неполноценность

nervous нервный

to put sb on the track наводить кого-л. на след

What sort of…? Какого типа…?

Section 67

Doc, i'm constipated

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, «Doc, I'm constipated.»

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, «Lean over the table.»

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK… and then sends him into the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, «Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?»

The doctor says, «Stop wiping with cement bags!»

Words and Expressions:

construction строительный

constipation запор

to be constipated страдать запором

to whack разг. сильно ударять

baseball бейсбольный

bat бита

to prevent предотвращать

cement цемент

bag мешок

Section 68

The heavenly baseball game

The devil challenged St. Peter to a baseball game. «How can you win, Satan?» asked St. Peter. "«All the famous ballplayers are up here.»

«How can I lose?» answered Satan. «All the umpires are down there.»

Words and Expressions:

heavenly небесный

to win выигрывать, побеждать

famous знаменитый

to lose проигрывать

umpire арбитр

to challenge sb to sth бросать кому-л. вызов в чем-л.

Section 69

Irish golfer and the magician

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with a huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. «Goodness,» says the golfer, and then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, «Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a magician. I will grant you three wishes.»

The man says, «I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,» and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the magician says, «Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.»

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off losing for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The magician says, «I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?»

The golfer says, «It's great! I always win.»

«I did that for you,» responds the magician. «And might I ask how your money is holding out?»

«Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill,» he replied.

The magician smiles and says, «I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?»

Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, «Well, maybe once or twice a week.»

Floored the magician stammers, «Once or twice a week?»

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, «Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.»

Words and Expressions:

to crank бить по мячу неуверенно, неточно

fairway гольф маршрут

knot зд. чалма