Английский разговорный шутя. 100 анекдотов на все случаи жизни Миловидов Виктор

Тексты второй части предназначены для чтения и пересказа. Каждый текст сопровождается опорной лексикой и фразеологией. Пересказывая текст, постарайтесь использовать средства синонимии – одна и та же ситуация может быть описана разными словами и выражениями, с использованием разной грамматики. Цель настоящей части пособия – через интенсивное чтение, самостоятельный перевод и пересказ подготовиться к третьему, творческому разделу, где вам придется заниматься переложением уже не англоязычных, а русских текстов, – это вы будете делать с использованием лексических и грамматических средств, освоенных в первых двух разделах.

Section 31

What do you love about me

«What do you love most about me,» a husband asked his wife, «my tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?»

«What I love most about you,» responded the man's wife, «is your enormous sense of humor.»

Words and Expressions:

tremendous громадный

athletic атлетичный, атлетический

ability способность

superior превосходный, превосходящий

intellect интеллект

to respond отвечать

enormous громадный, безмерный

sense of humor чувство юмора

Section 32

So, …. or what?

The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.

When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.

«For the last 7 months,» the wife replies, «every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, „So are you going to pay today or what?“ I always give him an „or what“. That makes me late to work. I'm late, so the boss asks me, „So are we going to dock your salary, or what?“ That's another „or what“. On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, „So are you going to pay this time or what?“ And, again, I do an „or what“. So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more.»

The doctor thinks for a second. «So,» he says, «are we going to tell your husband or what?»

Words and Expressions:

past последний, прошедший

physician врач cabтакси

fare плата за проезд

driver водитель

…or what? …или как?

dock урезывать, обрезать (зарплату)

salary зарплата

to be tired out быть усталым, вымотанным

Section 33

I'm getting a divorce

Andy walked into the neighborhood bar and announced that he was divorcing his wife. The bartender asked why.

«Well,» Andy said, «yesterday was her birthday, so I took her to the fanciest restaurant in town.» «So?» the bartender replies.

"So I ordered a bottle of their best champagne, and I made a toast 'To the best woman a man could have.' "

«What's wrong with that?»

«Four waiters joined in…»

Words and Expressions:

to walk идти, передвигаться пешком

neighborhood соседство; соседний

to announce объявлять

bartender бармен

fancy зд. модный

restaurant ресторан

to order заказывать c

hampagne шампанское

toast тост

wrong неправильный, плохой; неправильно, плохо

waiter официант

to join in присоединяться

Section 34

Loyal wife

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, «You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!»

Words and Expressions:

loyal зд. верный

to slip скользить, выскальзывать

coma мед. кома

bedside место у кровати

to come to приходить в себя

to motion знаком подзывать

to support поддерживать

to fail ослабевать, сдавать

luck успех, везение

every single day каждый божий день

to get fired быть уволенным

to get shot быть раненым или убитым из огнестрельного оружия

bad luck невезение

Section 35

What to do when your wife Goes overboard

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: «Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . . please advise.»

The old man faxed back: «Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.»

Words and Expressions:

stormy штормовой

wave волна

to search искать

shore берег

promise обещание

to notify известить

fax факс

to haul вытаскивать сетью

deck палуба

to attach прицеплять, присоединять

butt ягодицы

oyster устрица

pearl жемчужина

to advise зд. извещать, предписывать

to re-bait (от bait наживлять, заряжать насадкой) перезаряжать, наживлять заново

trap ловушка

to wash overboard смывать за борт

It read в ней говорилось

worth $50,000 стоимостью в 50 тысяч долларов

to fax back ответить по факсу

Section 36

A widow

A woman was leaving a cafe after her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean-looking dog on a leash. Behind that were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, «I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?»

The woman replied, «Well, that first hearse is for my husband.»

«What happened to him?»

The woman replied, «My dog attacked and killed him.»

She inquired further, «Well, who is in the second hearse?»

The woman answered, «My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.»

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.

«Can I borrow the dog?»

«Get in line.»

Words and Expressions:

widow вдова

funeral похороны

procession процессия

nearby ближайший

cemetery кладбище

hearse катафалк

behind позади, сзади

solitary одинокая

mean дурной, злобный, угрожающий, низкий

leash собачий поводок

single один; единичный; одинокий

curiosity любопытство

respectfully уважительно

lossу трата, потеря

to disturb беспокоить

to inquire интересоваться, осведомляться

poignant острый, волнующий

thoughtful вдумчивый, полный размышлений

silence молчание, тишина

to borrow взять взаймы

line очередь

to walk a dog прогуливать собаку

mean-looking выглядящий злобно и угрожающе

single file в одну колонну

to stand sth выдерживать что-л., противостоять чему-л., справляться с чем-л.

to turn on sb переключиться на кого-л.

to get in line встать в очередь

Section 37

Mommy, how old are you?

Eight-year-old little Mary and her mother are walking through the mall together one day. «Mommy,» says the little Mary, «how old are you?»

«Darling, you should never ask a woman what her age is.»

«Why not?» demands the child.

«Well, that is something you will understand one day when you're grown-up.»

«Mommy,» asks Mary again, «how much do you weigh?»

«Never mind,» answers the mother.

«Why can't you tell me?»

«Because grown-ups never talk about how much they weigh. This is something you will learn and understand someday.»

«Mommy,» insists the child, «can you tell me why you and Daddy got divorced?»

«Darling,» responds the mother in exasperation, «that's something still very painful for Mommy, and I really just can't talk about it now.»

A few days later, little Mary recounts this conversation to a friend at school. The friend explains how to overcome these problems.

«All you have to do is get your mother's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it. You just read it like a report card and it'll give you anything you need.»

So little Mary does as her friend recommended. That night she sneaks into her mother's room while her mom was cooking dinner. She rummages through her purse and finds the driver's license. After examining it carefully she walks up to her mother and says, «I know how old you are! You are 35!» The mother is very surprised. «And, I know how much you weigh. You weigh 136 pounds, right?» The mother is shocked. «And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.»

The mother, dumbfounded asked, «Why?»

«It's because you got an F in sex.»

Words and Expressions:

mall торговый центр

Mommy ласк. мама

darling дорогой

age возраст

to demand спрашивать

grown-up взрослый

to weigh весить

someday как-нибудь; на днях

to insist настаивать

exasperation раздражение

painful болезненный

to recount вспоминать

conversation разговор

to overcome преодолевать

license лицензия

to recommend советовать, рекомендовать

to sneak подкрадываться, пробираться

to rummage шарить, рыться

purse кошелек, бумажник

to examine исследовать, осматривать

carefully внимательно, тщательно

to shock шокировать

F сокр.female обозначение пола в документах

F буквенный индекс низшей оценки за успеваемость в американских школах

sex пол; секс

Never mind! Забудь! Не обращай внимания!

driver's license водительские права

report card «личное дело», в школьной практике – табель, дневник

dumbfounded ошарашенный

Section 38

Jelly beans

There once was a little blonde girl who wore a dress to school every day and really loved jelly beans more than anything. The boys at her school decided to take full advantage of this and one day approached her and offered to give her a bag filled with 50 jelly beans if she would climb the schoolyard flagpole. She did and came back down so the boys gave her the jelly beans.

That day she came running home and yelled to her mom, «Mommy! Mommy! Today the boys at school gave me 50 jelly beans to climb the flagpole at school!»

The mother shook her head and replied, «Oh no! They just did that so they could see up your dress and see your panties! I don't want you to ever do this again!»

So the next day the boys offered her 100 jelly beans to climb the flagpole. She did, they gave her the jelly beans and she ran home again and said to her mother, «Mommy! Look! Today they gave me 100 jelly beans for climbing the flagpole!»