Английский разговорный шутя. 100 анекдотов на все случаи жизни Миловидов Виктор

Section 55

Pat the irishman

There once was an Irishman named Pat, who was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching in the St. Patrick's Day parade.

Pat went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, «Who are you?» and Pat replied, «My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marchin' in the St. Patrick's Day parade.»

St. Peter checked up in his book and saw all this information was true. So he said to Pat, «Yes, this is all true, so here is a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play „When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.“ You've earned it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven.»

Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and it starts to play «When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.» He heads out into heaven, a smile on his face and a song in his heart.

He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around for two whole days. However, on the third day, he's driving down the main expressway in heaven with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a pink and white two-tone cloud roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat has just enough time to see that the person driving the pink and white two-tone cloud has a long nose and a darkish complexion.

Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway, charges back to the Pearly Gates, jumps off of his little green cloud and stalks up to St. Peter.

He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm an Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marchin' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song «When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.»

St. Peter, there's a Jew over there. He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!"

St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says, «Pat, shush! He's the boss's son!»

Words and Expressions:

parade парад

heaven рай, небеса

harp арфа

to push нажимать, толкать

button кнопка

to earn зарабатывать

to punch бить кулаком

expressway скоростная дорога, проспект

pink розовый

two-tone двухцветный

to roar реветь, рычать, грохотать

organ муз. орган

celestial небесный

complexion цвет лица

U-turn поворот на 180 градусов

to charge back разг. рвануть назад

to stalk up подходить с гордым видом

tiny маленький

insignificant незначительный

huge огромный

to head out into двигаться к чему-л.

to play full blast сленг играть во всю мочь

Shush! Тихо!

Section 56

St. patrick's day engagement

An Irishman, by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned it to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

«It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day,» he smiled. «I gave you a sham rock.»

Words and Expressions:

engagement помолвка

to propose делать предложение

ring кольцо

synthetic синтетический

diamond алмаз

lass разг. девушка, возлюбленная

jeweler ювелир

vehement неистовый, пылкий

in honor в честь

sham поддельный

rock камень

shamrock трилистник (национальная эмблема Ирландии)

Section 57

At the post office

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing «Love» stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?' "

«But why?» asks the curious fellow.

«I'm a divorce lawyer,» the gentleman replies.

Words and Expressions:

bald лысый 

balding лысеющий

counter прилавок, стойка

methodically методично

to place зд. наклеивать

stamp марка

envelope конверт

heart сердце

perfume духи

to spray разбрызгивать

scent духи

to sign подписывать

lawyer адвокат

his curiosity getting the better of him любопытство берет в нем верх

Guess who? Догадайся, от кого это?

Section 58

A letter of apology

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a «dirty son of a bitch» to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office New Year's Eve Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you that evening. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure, don't they? And the water is cold!!

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your bra up the flagpole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.

Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you, I know that I am forgiven. Even though I no longer work there, I will do my best to come to the picnic next Friday.

Words and Expressions:

apology извинение

beloved любимый

to be aware осознавать

baboon павиан, бабуин

whore проститутка, шлюха

strictly строго; в строгом смысле

figment фикция, вымысел

imagination воображение

undoubtedly без сомнения

water cooler аппарат для охлаждения воды

incident происшествие, случай

jug кувшин, сосуд

regrets сожаления

defense защита

to remind напоминать

escapade эскапада, проделка

stairway лестница

bannister перила

landing лестничная площадка

rupture перелом

to incur получать (ранение)

to land приземляться

to admit признавать

cuss сленг тупой малый

to forgive прощать

goose yсленг дурак

story этаж

to regret сожалеть (о чем-л.)

fireman пожарник

false alarm ложная тревога

fire hoses пожарные шланги

pressure давление

broom closet хозяйственное помещение (чулан для швабр)

to startle пугать

to bump ударять(ся)

chin подбородок

dentist дантист

plates вставные челюсти

excuse извинение

to embarrass ошеломлять, ставить в неловкое положение

bra разг. бюстгальтер

flagpole флагшток

to urinate мед. мочиться

to apologize извиняться

son of a bitch сукин сын

deaf and dumb глухонемой

in spite of несмотря на

to break a fall разг. прерывать падение

it makes me sick (при мысли об этом) меня тошнит, мне плохо

to pass out сленг вырубаться

bad taste дурной вкус

Section 59

New year's eve at the pub

One New Year's Eve Judy stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Words and Expressions:

the stroke of midnight момент наступления полуночи

kind of разг. типа

to crush to death задавить насмерть

Section 60

New year's eve at the pub – 2

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

«Why of course?» comes the reply.

The first man then asks, «Where are you from?»

«I'm from Ireland,» replies the second man.

The first man responds, «You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.»

«Of course,» replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks, «Where in Ireland are you from?»

«Dublin,» comes the reply.

«I can't believe it,» says the first man. «I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.»

«Of course,» replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, «What school did you go to?»

«Saint Mary's,» replies the second man. «I graduated in '62.»

«This is unbelievable!» the first man says. «I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!»

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

«What's been going on?» he asks the bartender. «Nothing much,» replies the bartender. «The O'Malley twins are drunk again.»

Words and Expressions:

to stumble up подходить, спотыкаясь

patron постоянный посетитель

to graduate заканчивать школу

regular постоянный посетитель

Why of course? А почему бы и нет?

You don't say! Не может быть!

another round to Ireland еще один раз (стаканчик) за Ирландию

What's been going on? Что происходит?

Section 61

The work crew

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station, and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched while a man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. Then another man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. «I can't stand this,» said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

«Hold it, hold it,» he said to the men. «Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?»

«Well, we work for the county,» one of the men said.

«But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?»

«You don't understand, mister,» one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. «Normally there's three of us: me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work and get paid.»

Words and Expressions:

crew бригада, команда

rural сельский

gas station автозаправочная станция

tank бак

soft легкий, мягкий; зд. безалкогольный

cola кока-кола

to move on двигаться дальше

to fill in заполнять, засыпать

to toss пихать, совать

trash мусор, отходы

container контейнер

county округ, район, графство

to accomplish завершать, заканчивать