Английский разговорный шутя. 100 анекдотов на все случаи жизни Миловидов Виктор
Mercedes «мерседес»
furs меха
jewelry драгоценности
vacation отпуск
to continue продолжать
to dine обедать
silence молчание, тишина
to nudge подталкивать локтем
bite кусочек
dessert десерт
ours наша
a dinner out обед в ресторане
to walk over подойти (к чему-л.)
suburbs пригород
1. Answer the questions to the text:
1. Who came over the couple when they were having dinner?
2. What's a brunette?
3. What type of a car does the wife have?
4. Where do they spend their vacation?
5. Whose mistress is better – the husband's or Howard's?
2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:
1. A couple was _______ a dinner out.
2. A brunette _______ warm greetings with the husband.
3. I want a _______ !
4. Do you want _______ our big house in the suburbs?
5. They continued _______ in silence.
6. Finally, the woman _______ her husband.
3. Say if the statement is true or false:
1. A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when an ugly brunette walked over to their table.
2. The husband hit her right in the eye.
3. Are you sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs?
4. For a long time they continued dining in silence.
5. Finally, the woman nudged her husband.
6. «That's YOUR mistress,» her husband replied.
4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:
5. Translate from Russian into English:
1. Супружеская пара наслаждалась обедом в ресторане.
2. Если тебе нужно знать, то это моя любовница.
3. Вот как!
4. Муж посмотрел ей прямо в глаза.
5. Ты хочешь расстаться со своим «мерседесом», своими мехами и драгоценностями?
6. Долгое время они продолжали обедать в тишине.
7. С кем он?
8. Наша гораздо лучше.
Герундиальные и инфинитивные обороты
Можно ли в предложении For a long time they continued dining in silence… герундий (dining) заменить на инфинитив (to dine), и какие правила сочетания герундия и инфинитива существуют?
Проверьте свои навыки в этом вопросе; при необходимости обратитесь к грамматическому комментарию (раздел 24).
6. Fill in the blanks with a Gerund or an Infinitive:
1. A married couple seemed (enjoy) _______ their dinner.
2. They really enjoyed (have) _______ their dinner all alone.
3. The wife objected to her husband's (drink) _______ too much of champagne.
4. The waiter kept (bring) _______ more and more delicious food.
5. The wife didn't expect her husband (exchange) _______ warm greetings with a woman who appeared (be) _______ a total stranger to her.
6. She insisted on (have) _______ a divorce.
7. Do you want (give up) _______ our big house in the suburbs?
8. She didn't mind (have) _______ a mistress who was much cuter than that of Howard's.
В предложении Ours is cuter… используется так называемая абсолютная форма притяжательного падежа личного местоимения we.
Проверьте навыки использования данной формы, при необходимости обращаясь к грамматическому комментарию (раздел 25).
7.Translate into English:
1. – У Говарда большой дом.
– Наш больше.
2. – У жены Говарда много драгоценностей.
– Твои дороже.
3. – У Говарда новая машина.
– Моя новее.
4. – У Говарда хорошая любовница.
– Наша лучше.
8.Render the joke.
Section 23
Marriage counselor
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
«What seems to be the problem?» Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5—10—15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, «Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!»
The husband scratched his head and replied, «I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.»
Study the words and expressions given below:
a few несколько
constant постоянный
arguments споры
to counsel советовать, консультировать
counselor советник, консультант
counseling консультирование
immediately немедленно
wrongs недостатки, неудобства, дефекты
within внутри
shoulder плечо
to kiss целовать
passionately страстно
afterwards после, впоследствии
speechless безгласный, безмолвный
disbelief недоверие
to scratch скрести, чесать
to be at sb's throat перен. быть готовым взять кого-л. за горло
to jump in зд. сразу приступить к делу
to open the floor for discussion открыть обсуждение
on the other hand с другой стороны (on the one hand с одной стороны)
to talk 90 miles an hour болтать со скоростью 90 миль в час
last straw последняя соломинка
at least по крайней мере
1. Answer the questions to the text:
1. What was the couple's marriage filled with?
2. What did they think to be the only way to save their relationships?
3. What did the counselor do when they arrived at the office?
4. Why did the husband hold his face down?
5. How fast did the wife speak?
6. How did the wife act after the counselor had kissed her?
7. How often did the wife have to visit the counselor's office?
2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:
1. These years were filled with _______ arguments.
2. They decided that _______ way to save their marriage was to _______ counseling.
3. They had been at each other's _______ for some time.
4. They felt that this was their _______ straw.
5. When they arrived at the office, the counselor _______ right in and opened the floor for discussion.
6. What _______ to be the problem?
7. The husband held his long face down _______ anything to say.
3. Match the two parts of the sentences:
4. Match the words and expressions in the left column to those in the right one:
5. Translate from Russian into English:
1. Жена, напротив, принялась описывать все недостатки их брака.
2. Послушав жену, он поднял ее за плечи.
3. Он страстно целовал ее в течение нескольких минут и посадил назад.
4. Потом жена сидела молча.
5. Он взглянул на мужа, который уставился с недоверием на то, что произошло.
6. Консультант предложил мужу делать это по крайней мере дважды в неделю.
7. Муж почесал голову.
В предложении After just a few years of marriage… используется словосочетание a few («немного»), которое нельзя путать с прилагательным few, а также с другими словами и конструкциями, выражающими близкие значения (little, a little).
Проверьте, насколько хорошо вы знаете правила использования этих слов и словосочетаний. При необходимости воспользуйтесь грамматическим комментарием (раздел 26).
6. Fill in the blanks with a word from the list:
few a few
little a little
Follow the directions given in brackets:
1. They spent very (мало) _______ days without heated arguments.
2. They had (мало) _______ hope to save their marriage.
3. The counselor was (немного) _______ surprised when he heard the couple's story.
4. He thought there was (мало) _______ hope left, but still he agreed to help.
5. After (немного) _______ visits to the counselor's office they felt better.
6. When she began to speak, he understood very (мало) _______ , so fast she spoke.
7. And only (немного) _______ words were intelligible.
8. She sat silently (немного) _______ minutes, and then they left.
7. Fill in the blanks with proper forms of the verbs:
1. If we (not to try) _______ counseling, our marriage will end up in a divorce.
2. If you (to argue) _______ with me any more, I will leave you forever.
3. As soon as you (to understand) _______ that it's our last straw, things will turn for the better.
4. You've got to tell me, when you (to go) _______ to visit the counselor tomorrow.
5. When you (to arrive) _______ at the counselor's office, the counselor will jump right in and open the floor for discussion.
6. If she (not to stop) _______ talking 90 miles an hour, I will have to stop her by a kiss.
7. She will continue talking her head off until you (to kiss) _______ her.
8. I will bring her here every Tuesday if she (to agree) _______.
8. Render the joke.
Section 24
Cat food
One woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. «Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time.» And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!
«Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!» She was very pleased at being praised, and that night they had sex for the first time in months, and it was great!
Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.
«You're going to kill him,» they said, but she continued to make him his cat food dinner.
Two months later, her husband died, and after the funeral all the Thursday bridge women attacked our new widow for being so callous.
«You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?»
The wife stoically replied, «Ahh, I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass.»
Study the words and expressions given below:
bridge карт. бридж
club клуб
peaceful мирный
to fix делать, устраивать, готовить
incredible невероятный
to dash броситься
wilted увядший / вялый
lettuce салат
to stir in размешивать (с чем-л.)
egg яйцо
to garnish украшать гарниром
to pull up подъезжать
horror ужас
to please доставлять удовольствие
to praise хвалить
crony приятельница, приятель
to horrify ужасать
funeral похороны
widow вдова
callous бессердечный
feeding кормление
to murder убить
stoically стоически
mantel камин
to lick лизать
ass груб. задница
incredible hand карт. невероятно легкая рука у игрока (невероятное везение)
Needless to say Нет нужды говорить
to do sb in сленг убить кого-л.
1. Answer the questions to the text:
1. How often did the lady have her bridge game in the club?
2. Where did she have to hurry after the game?
3. What did she have in the cupboard when she returned home one Thursday after she had had an incredible hand?
4. Why did she watch her husband in horror when he was sitting to dinner?
5. What was the side-effect of the cat food?
6. What did the bridge women attack the lady for?
2. Fill in the blanks with the words from the text:
1. She goes home _______ her husband dinner when he gets home from work.
2. Well, one Thursday, she has an _______ hand.
3. And she _______ out of her friend's house.
4. All she has in the cupboard is a _______ lettuce leaf.
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